Lord,
Where are you? I am so lost. I've made so many mistakes, and I am hurting. God, I'm scared.. how will I survive this life on my own and with a child? I've been so unhappy for so long, and so dysfunctional and I finally know why. All of the turmoil Ben has in his heart has tried to grasp onto mine. His sex and porn addiction, his Adderoll addiction, his alcoholism, his control, his manipulation, his narcissistic personality. These have all tried to reach onto me and wrap their tentacles around me. I saw your vision of Ben free! So Lord how will this happen? Things are the biggest mess I have ever seen, the craziness. The dysfunction, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation. It is too much for me, I can not bear all of this on my shoulders anymore. Lord I am broken.
I. NEED. YOU.
My heart is lost, it's broken it's insecure, it's twisted and tormented. It wants to be alone and isolated. It wants to run far far away to escape this whole ordeal. God I need you to lead me, and hold me in your arms, I need your grace and your mercy on my life, and Lord, I need it on my husbands life. He is SO lost, and he is so blind!!! I am so angry I am in this battle that isn't against flesh and blood, it's spiritual and right now, Ben is allowing Satan to win. I, I WILL NOT. SATAN CAN NOT HAVE ME OR MY FAMILY. I WILL fight. Lord, I need your help, I need Jesus to argue on my behalf with His blood. Please, God I pray you will set us all free from this chaos. I pray Lord for freedom! I pray for deliverance! God I beg you, take my family back, give Ben one piece of freedom per day. Open his eyes MORE and MORE every single day!!
The lying, the addiction, the pain, hurt, name calling, breaking things, depression, enabling, chaos, revenge, new facebook profiles, and adding ex's or new women to his pages. These things I give you Lord, help me forgive my husband, I am broken. I am hurting, I can't do this without You Lord, and Your strength. I ask God for your freedom. I Pray, No, I BEG, God change myself and Ben, make us new. Renew our minds. Help us. I don't want to divorce Lord, I want a happy life, I want a healthy free husband. I want to have a mama and dada for Carl.
Right now, I have to protect my son, It kills me to have to get a harassment order on Ben, I cried most of last night-it absolutely breaks my heart. God I need you to be my husband when my husband can not be..I need you to love me, and cherish me, protect me, grow me, lead me, point me in Your direction and to the people I need to be in fellowship with. That you God for my life, my health, my son, thank you God for Ben. As broken and sick as he is, thank you for the person he is and for who he can be. Thank you for freedom in my life and for the ability to be transparent, to see my sin and move on from it. Thank you for the ability to overcome strongholds in my life, and for Jesus giving me the freedom in my heart to do the hard but necessary things. God I appreciate and thank you for the strength to put Ben in Your hands, and to be strong enough to file a protection order to stop the fighting. Thank you for giving me the strength to do the hardest things I've ever done.
I love you Lord, I will continue to trust YOU and not others, others are telling me to get divorced, but until YOU tell me, and confirm releasing me I will continue to fight for my marriage and for Ben's freedom. I will pray for him, I will raise my son to be a strong man of God who loves you with all of his heart and who will be protected from pornography and the evil of this world the best I can. Lord you are my Savior, Spirit lead me to where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters where ever you would call me, take me deeper then my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my savior.
I've been isolated, I've been living in my own delusion praying and hoping it would get better, but blind to seeing how sick we've been. Lord I don't want to live life that way anymore. I want to be FREE. I want to have a healthy life, A husband who will be free with me and lead me. God, I want to be held and loved. I want to be Cherished on earth the way I know you will cherish me in Heaven. I want to me honored and respected, I want a partner. I can not mother my husband anymore. I give that to you God and ask you to make me the person YOU created me to be. I ask you to please FULFILL YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. Whatever that may be.
Lord help me no longer enable bad behavior. Help me stand up for what is right, just, loving, kind, patient. Give me self control. Please Give Ben self control. Give me your heart Lord, Help me see Ben and love him as You see and love him.
With all of my heart,
Your wife,
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
As summer ends
My last post was at the beginning of the year. When life started feeling like there was a little bit of a rhythm to life again. With that rhythm has come so much responsibility, on Ben end, in his life with work, and on my end, in my life, with a husband that works too much and working a job that has no pay. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, I love him with every ounce of being I have in my body, I am tearing thinking how he used to be in my tummy and I could feel his kicks, and hiccups. How he says "mama mama maaama" how he gives me kisses now, and leans his head on me shoulder. No matter how many times I feel like I'm loosing my mind and temper, he seems to forget instantly and still love me regardless.
This summer has brought so many tough times. Carl got sick for the first time in June with a double ear infection. That was really stressful going to the ER about 3 times in one weekend. Before then life was going alright, I was able to have more me time and get to the gym almost every night about to release negative energy. Since Carl got sick his bed time has moved from 7/8 pm to 9/9:30 pm. I now have lost all motivation and any time I had to go to the gym at all and gained 10-15 pounds. I feel the past few months so much resentment growing towards Ben, him starting medication that has changed his whole personality, and although working hard he has no free time for Carl or I, he is always in a bad mood since now trying to wean off of said medication using it as an excuse for treating me badly. We're always fighting, he's extremely sloppy, not taking care of himself or his hygiene...has called me names, accused me of cheating and told me I eventually will cheat (I have given him no reason for these accusations) has become extremely controlling and I don't feel I can be who I am or myself around him at all. I feel like I've been isolated and I can't have any friends, and the few friends I do have, work too much or moved away.
Ben never wants to do anything with us, go to the park, skateboard, go to my moms swimming with us, nothing. It's absolutely depressing. He's working ridiculous hours for his dad and not even getting paid regularly so we're broke. We can barely pay our rent and bills it's just stressful when I know he is so smart and so much more capable of working elsewhere that is more reliable and would make our family stronger.
I am at the end of my rope, we've been fighting so much and I'm so done in my mind that last week I lost is and just went out with friends and tried letting loose, Ben was so mad at me, then the last night my friend Hailey was here before she moved Sunday to Arizona, I went out and stayed a little longer then I should have and although completely sober and ran into so many people I grew up with, when I got home Ben was still so furious with me, and I didn't do anything wrong! I just have NO time for myself, I am a mom 24/7 without pay, without breaks, without vacations, I am spent. I have no help, my house no matter how much I clean winds up completely destroyed by the time I climb into bed at night.
Ben has called me the B word, the C U Next Tuesday word, told me I don't deserve better then him and that I'm ungrateful. But honestly, I'm just tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm a single mother raising her son alone with no money and trapped. While he goes fishing whenever he chooses, or squidding, or the fact he gets a break from reality while he's working a distraction from everything,
This summer has brought so many tough times. Carl got sick for the first time in June with a double ear infection. That was really stressful going to the ER about 3 times in one weekend. Before then life was going alright, I was able to have more me time and get to the gym almost every night about to release negative energy. Since Carl got sick his bed time has moved from 7/8 pm to 9/9:30 pm. I now have lost all motivation and any time I had to go to the gym at all and gained 10-15 pounds. I feel the past few months so much resentment growing towards Ben, him starting medication that has changed his whole personality, and although working hard he has no free time for Carl or I, he is always in a bad mood since now trying to wean off of said medication using it as an excuse for treating me badly. We're always fighting, he's extremely sloppy, not taking care of himself or his hygiene...has called me names, accused me of cheating and told me I eventually will cheat (I have given him no reason for these accusations) has become extremely controlling and I don't feel I can be who I am or myself around him at all. I feel like I've been isolated and I can't have any friends, and the few friends I do have, work too much or moved away.
Ben never wants to do anything with us, go to the park, skateboard, go to my moms swimming with us, nothing. It's absolutely depressing. He's working ridiculous hours for his dad and not even getting paid regularly so we're broke. We can barely pay our rent and bills it's just stressful when I know he is so smart and so much more capable of working elsewhere that is more reliable and would make our family stronger.
I am at the end of my rope, we've been fighting so much and I'm so done in my mind that last week I lost is and just went out with friends and tried letting loose, Ben was so mad at me, then the last night my friend Hailey was here before she moved Sunday to Arizona, I went out and stayed a little longer then I should have and although completely sober and ran into so many people I grew up with, when I got home Ben was still so furious with me, and I didn't do anything wrong! I just have NO time for myself, I am a mom 24/7 without pay, without breaks, without vacations, I am spent. I have no help, my house no matter how much I clean winds up completely destroyed by the time I climb into bed at night.
Ben has called me the B word, the C U Next Tuesday word, told me I don't deserve better then him and that I'm ungrateful. But honestly, I'm just tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm a single mother raising her son alone with no money and trapped. While he goes fishing whenever he chooses, or squidding, or the fact he gets a break from reality while he's working a distraction from everything,
Saturday, January 10, 2015
2015
Here we are. In 19 short days Carl will be 9 months old, I'm sorry I've forgotten to blog so much the past 6 months, Our computers died, and we just got new ones for Christmas.
Carl's first word was "Mama" :) Second "Dada", now it's getting into "Hi" He's crawling, pulling himself up, much better in the car, we've had to do little bouts of cio so that he would sleep better and in the car. He's sleeping in his own crib, he's strong and funny. I love him so ridiculously much! I just can't believe how fast it all is going, and I wish time would just stop for a while and slow down. Happy New Year, I'm really hoping 2015 will bring our little family joy and closer together.
Carl's first word was "Mama" :) Second "Dada", now it's getting into "Hi" He's crawling, pulling himself up, much better in the car, we've had to do little bouts of cio so that he would sleep better and in the car. He's sleeping in his own crib, he's strong and funny. I love him so ridiculously much! I just can't believe how fast it all is going, and I wish time would just stop for a while and slow down. Happy New Year, I'm really hoping 2015 will bring our little family joy and closer together.
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