My last post was at the beginning of the year. When life started feeling like there was a little bit of a rhythm to life again. With that rhythm has come so much responsibility, on Ben end, in his life with work, and on my end, in my life, with a husband that works too much and working a job that has no pay. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, I love him with every ounce of being I have in my body, I am tearing thinking how he used to be in my tummy and I could feel his kicks, and hiccups. How he says "mama mama maaama" how he gives me kisses now, and leans his head on me shoulder. No matter how many times I feel like I'm loosing my mind and temper, he seems to forget instantly and still love me regardless.
This summer has brought so many tough times. Carl got sick for the first time in June with a double ear infection. That was really stressful going to the ER about 3 times in one weekend. Before then life was going alright, I was able to have more me time and get to the gym almost every night about to release negative energy. Since Carl got sick his bed time has moved from 7/8 pm to 9/9:30 pm. I now have lost all motivation and any time I had to go to the gym at all and gained 10-15 pounds. I feel the past few months so much resentment growing towards Ben, him starting medication that has changed his whole personality, and although working hard he has no free time for Carl or I, he is always in a bad mood since now trying to wean off of said medication using it as an excuse for treating me badly. We're always fighting, he's extremely sloppy, not taking care of himself or his hygiene...has called me names, accused me of cheating and told me I eventually will cheat (I have given him no reason for these accusations) has become extremely controlling and I don't feel I can be who I am or myself around him at all. I feel like I've been isolated and I can't have any friends, and the few friends I do have, work too much or moved away.
Ben never wants to do anything with us, go to the park, skateboard, go to my moms swimming with us, nothing. It's absolutely depressing. He's working ridiculous hours for his dad and not even getting paid regularly so we're broke. We can barely pay our rent and bills it's just stressful when I know he is so smart and so much more capable of working elsewhere that is more reliable and would make our family stronger.
I am at the end of my rope, we've been fighting so much and I'm so done in my mind that last week I lost is and just went out with friends and tried letting loose, Ben was so mad at me, then the last night my friend Hailey was here before she moved Sunday to Arizona, I went out and stayed a little longer then I should have and although completely sober and ran into so many people I grew up with, when I got home Ben was still so furious with me, and I didn't do anything wrong! I just have NO time for myself, I am a mom 24/7 without pay, without breaks, without vacations, I am spent. I have no help, my house no matter how much I clean winds up completely destroyed by the time I climb into bed at night.
Ben has called me the B word, the C U Next Tuesday word, told me I don't deserve better then him and that I'm ungrateful. But honestly, I'm just tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm a single mother raising her son alone with no money and trapped. While he goes fishing whenever he chooses, or squidding, or the fact he gets a break from reality while he's working a distraction from everything,
No comments:
Post a Comment