The Middle Of The Storm.

My story is hard for me to share to anyone who hasn't gone through it with me or witnessed the behavior I went through. On June 17th 2011 I met a man who would become the father to my son and my husband, the first 2 and a half years of our relationship were rocky and being out of it now I know I should have severed the relationship at numerous opportunities. I will not deny that there were fun times, we contributed on missions trips, and small skate trips around the Washington peninsula. He was an incredible help while I was pregnant, it was just me and him locked either in my room or the hospital 90% of my pregnancy due to me having Hyperemesis Gravidarum, being continuously sick or getting IV's twice a week at the hospital. I will always appreciate how he took care of me during my pregnancy. However seeing it from the outside now there were signs of control and manipulation and then it became an unhealthy isolation that only became worse once our son was born, which is what began a bigger change to our relationship.

In March of 2015 my husband began an addiction to ADHD medication called Adderall, he lost almost 40 lbs in a few short months and his anger outbursts made me his verbal and emotional punching bag. Being called terrible names and slandering me in front of our then just over 1 year old son, throwing phones behind me and breaking them. In September 2015 my husband left, he emptied out our already small bank account and left me with my son and no money. A week later after living in his truck and having a mental breakdown which lead him to taking a un-prescribed anti anxiety medication and he wound up in the hospital with thoughts of suicide and self harm he decided he wanted to come back home and try to get sober but because of how erratic and unpredictable his anger outbursts were on the medication I told him he could not return until he did get sober from Adderall and would go to counseling.

During this time he would constantly be fighting with me, he would be accusing me of being unfaithful which was a projection of his own struggles and behavior and in front of our innocent son, by calling me derogatory names. At one point I had to lock myself in my sons room sitting against the door because he broke the lock while trying to come in all the while he yelled at me over the baby monitor what a "Fing whore, c.u.n.t, b*tch, etc I was" and it broke my heart that no matter how I tried to cover my sons ears knowing my husband was so un-phased how abusive that is to do to a baby and how that is child abuse will forever be a terrible memory in my mind. Over those few months he broke a couple phones, one by putting a hole in our closet door, and intentionally pushing my buttons to trigger me from past abuse and get a rise out of me. I had tried to file a restraining order during this time but after it was granted he begged me not to do it out of fear of not being able to see our son, and I always have wanted him to have a relationship with our son so I chose to drop the case, which I wish I wouldn't have now since things have not changed much, and that could have maybe forced him to get the help he needed. During this time his family was very supportive of my decisions since they all had witnessed his behavior and changes in that time as well.

At the end of November he had told me he had been off of Adderall for over a month and was finally willing to try counseling, at our first counseling appointment she asked if we were living together and because I said no and explained a bit of the situation she recommended that he move back home if we were really going to work things out. I will forever regret listening to that advice because as some don't know the effects of stimulate withdrawal can last for a few months and the anger outbursts can be just as bad or worse. I never had wanted to get divorced, I wanted to push through and being a Christian I hoped that he could change and be set free from the addictions. I wanted to give it every shot that I could personally handle to try and help him change, but have learned while dealing with someone who lies and hides their addictions if they are unwilling to be open and honest there can not be growth or change and it has nothing to do with me.

January 1st 2016 we had an argument because I had caught him in a lie the night before and was still upset, he was holding our son and because our son accidentally threw his head back and hit Ben's chin he turned and punched a hole in our bedroom wall. It scared me that he could be that angry while holding our 20 month old son. There was continuous empty promises and lying, then with withdrawal, continuous arguments which lead to him calling me names or throwing things while our son was present.

Through out this year of changes I had reached out to my dad, a few women in my mom's group on Facebook, and my husbands family to seek about what I should do. I thought because he hadn't been too physical with me that I had no reason to not try and make it work and just had to endure being treated as if I was worthless to the addictions that consumed his life. All encouraged me to do what was best for my son and I so that my son wasn't growing up witnessing this behavior then modeling it himself which really woke me up and mortified me to think about. I began counseling for emotional abuse in April of 2016 and over the weekly course of 3 months was helped out of the fog I was living in and seeing the situation I was in. My counselor helped me see how I was being continuously damaged and emotionally broke down and helped me realize how unhealthy it was that I was in a marriage that was one sided. That I could not change him especially if there were mental health issues that are genetically involved.

June 13th 2016 4 days before our 5 year anniversary I caught my husband in a lie that he had been genuinely looking me in the eyes and convincing me to believe and trust him for 5 months. I was absolutely devastated, sick to my stomach and heartbroken. It was after a little over a year of prayer asking God for a bold way out of my marriage. I received the slap in the face for myself that our marriage would always be filled with lies, unhealthy, controlling and manipulated. That day I had him move out, while cleaning I found a bottle of Brandy behind our mattress which would explain his mood swings and sleeping in until almost 2 pm daily. He wound up moving to California for almost 2 months with a friend, I continued to watch our joint bank account and saw he continued drinking and buying liquor while he was down there. August 12th he drove back to Seattle and since I'd been out with a few close friends for the Taste of Edmonds, I'd just gotten home, (he had been known to sleep in his truck across the street from the house and had been sitting there watching it.) I had left the front door unlocked waiting for one of my best friends to get back when Ben threw open the door open and immediately began yelling and swearing at me while my son was sleeping soundly in the next room. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my other friend eating pizza all the while Ben was calling me names in front of him. He was scared for my safety and later wrote a statement for me to have on file.

September 9th I was supervising Ben with our son at the park with my best friend Becca and her 1 year old daughter, we had been patient for 2 hours while Ben and our son played and when I told him we had lunch plans and needed to go he became hostile. He started trying to argue over our son while he was buckling him into his car seat and leaning in the car not allowing me to leave. I inched backwards with my foot only off the brakes when he began calling me psycho and possessed by demons. I got out of the car reached in front of him to close the door and then drove away where he then called the police on me and accused me of trying to run him over with my car, thankfully my best friend witnessed the whole thing and also was able to write a statement on my behalf for court. I knew that now he was comfortable not only emotionally and verbally abusing me in the walls of our home at first but to public places at the park and how much longer before it continues to escalate more? I tried to file and anti harassment order and missed numerous days of school that quarter trying to get protection for myself only to be denied because the court system doesn't want multiple cases open and want you to just add anti harassment orders to the divorce papers instead of having multiple cases open. I have finally began healing and reaching out more for support and advice for what to do next as a single mom to a 2 and a half year old and full time college student, however my first hurdle to try and crawl out of is ending this divorce and being able to protect myself and my son from further abuse.

Since then he's been harassing me continuously via social media, endlessly texting me multiple times a day, then if I don't reply calls over and over or has threatened to just show up to my house, slandering me and claiming I am withholding our son from him (which is not true, there is no parenting plan in place so I am legally not withholding our son, as well as he's had multiple supervised visitations 2-4 days a week with myself or mother since September and it was not until my son became really sick last Friday with the flu that he has not had visitation) and that he is a victim of parent alienation. He has failed to take responsibility for his actions and how the ending of our marriage is due to his multiple addictions and the way he treated me in front of our innocent son, when I tried for years to trust him despite continuous lying. He is still trying to have a hold over my life and control me although we have been separated almost 7 months now.

This is a glimpse overview of what I went through, these are only a few of the scenarios that we went through, it's hard not to believe how someone makes you feel, and I still struggle with my self esteem and he still causes me to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. You are able to continue reading my blog to see only a couple other posts of my prayer for him to be set free of things and my outlet for venting on this since I had this as my private blog through the birth of our son as well.

My letter to God..

Lord,
Where are you? I am so lost. I've made so many mistakes, and I am hurting. God, I'm scared.. how will I survive this life on my own and with a child? I've been so unhappy for so long, and so dysfunctional and I finally know why. All of the turmoil Ben has in his heart has tried to grasp onto mine. His sex and porn addiction, his Adderoll addiction, his alcoholism, his control, his manipulation, his narcissistic personality. These have all tried to reach onto me and wrap their tentacles around me. I saw your vision of Ben free! So Lord how will this happen? Things are the biggest mess I have ever seen, the craziness. The dysfunction, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation. It is too much for me, I can not bear all of this on my shoulders anymore. Lord I am broken.
I. NEED. YOU.

My heart is lost, it's broken it's insecure, it's twisted and tormented. It wants to be alone and isolated. It wants to run far far away to escape this whole ordeal. God I need you to lead me, and hold me in your arms, I need your grace and your mercy on my life, and Lord, I need it on my husbands life. He is SO lost, and he is so blind!!! I am so angry I am in this battle that isn't against flesh and blood, it's spiritual and right now, Ben is allowing Satan to win. I, I WILL NOT. SATAN CAN NOT HAVE ME OR MY FAMILY. I WILL fight. Lord, I need your help, I need Jesus to argue on my behalf with His blood. Please, God I pray you will set us all free from this chaos. I pray Lord for freedom! I pray for deliverance! God I beg you, take my family back, give Ben one piece of freedom per day. Open his eyes MORE and MORE every single day!!

The lying, the addiction, the pain, hurt, name calling, breaking things, depression, enabling, chaos, revenge, new facebook profiles, and adding ex's or new women to his pages. These things I give you Lord, help me forgive my husband, I am broken. I am hurting, I can't do this without You Lord, and Your strength. I ask God for your freedom. I Pray, No, I BEG, God change myself and Ben, make us new. Renew our minds. Help us. I don't want to divorce Lord, I want a happy life, I want a healthy free husband. I want to have a mama and dada for Carl.

Right now, I have to protect my son, It kills me to have to get a harassment order on Ben, I cried most of last night-it absolutely breaks my heart. God I need you to be my husband when my husband can not be..I need you to love me, and cherish me, protect me, grow me, lead me, point me in Your direction and to the people I need to be in fellowship with. That you God for my life, my health, my son, thank you God for Ben. As broken and sick as he is, thank you for the person he is and for who he can be. Thank you for freedom in my life and for the ability to be transparent, to see my sin and move on from it. Thank you for the ability to overcome strongholds in my life, and for Jesus giving me the freedom in my heart to do the hard but necessary things. God I appreciate and thank you for the strength to put Ben in Your hands, and to be strong enough to file a protection order to stop the fighting. Thank you for giving me the strength to do the hardest things I've ever done.

I love you Lord, I will continue to trust YOU and not others, others are telling me to get divorced, but until YOU tell me, and confirm releasing me I will continue to fight for my marriage and for Ben's freedom. I will pray for him, I will raise my son to be a strong man of God who loves you with all of his heart and who will be protected from pornography and the evil of this world the best I can. Lord you are my Savior, Spirit lead me to where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters where ever you would call me, take me deeper then my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my savior.

I've been isolated, I've been living in my own delusion praying and hoping it would get better, but blind to seeing how sick we've been. Lord I don't want to live life that way anymore. I want to be FREE. I want to have a healthy life, A husband who will be free with me and lead me. God, I want to be held and loved. I want to be Cherished on earth the way I know you will cherish me in Heaven. I want to me honored and respected, I want a partner. I can not mother my husband anymore. I give that to you God and ask you to make me the person YOU created me to be. I ask you to please FULFILL YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. Whatever that may be.

Lord help me no longer enable bad behavior. Help me stand up for what is right, just, loving, kind, patient. Give me self control. Please Give Ben self control. Give me your heart Lord, Help me see Ben and love him as You see and love him.

With all of my heart,
Your wife,

As summer ends

My last post was at the beginning of the year. When life started feeling like there was a little bit of a rhythm to life again. With that rhythm has come so much responsibility, on Ben end, in his life with work, and on my end, in my life, with a husband that works too much and working a job that has no pay. I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, I love him with every ounce of being I have in my body, I am tearing thinking how he used to be in my tummy and I could feel his kicks, and hiccups. How he says "mama mama maaama" how he gives me kisses now, and leans his head on me shoulder. No matter how many times I feel like I'm loosing my mind and temper, he seems to forget instantly and still love me regardless.

This summer has brought so many tough times. Carl got sick for the first time in June with a double ear infection. That was really stressful going to the ER about 3 times in one weekend. Before then life was going alright, I was able to have more me time and get to the gym almost every night about to release negative energy. Since Carl got sick his bed time has moved from 7/8 pm to 9/9:30 pm. I now have lost all motivation and any time I had to go to the gym at all and gained 10-15 pounds. I feel the past few months so much resentment growing towards Ben, him starting medication that has changed his whole personality, and although working hard he has no free time for Carl or I, he is always in a bad mood since now trying to wean off of said medication using it as an excuse for treating me badly. We're always fighting, he's extremely sloppy, not taking care of himself or his hygiene...has called me names, accused me of cheating and told me I eventually will cheat (I have given him no reason for these accusations) has become extremely controlling and I don't feel I can be who I am or myself around him at all. I feel like I've been isolated and I can't have any friends, and the few friends I do have, work too much or moved away.

Ben never wants to do anything with us, go to the park, skateboard, go to my moms swimming with us, nothing. It's absolutely depressing. He's working ridiculous hours for his dad and not even getting paid regularly so we're broke. We can barely pay our rent and bills it's just stressful when I know he is so smart and so much more capable of working elsewhere that is more reliable and would make our family stronger.

I am at the end of my rope, we've been fighting so much and I'm so done in my mind that last week I lost is and just went out with friends and tried letting loose, Ben was so mad at me, then the last night my friend Hailey was here before she moved Sunday to Arizona, I went out and stayed a little longer then I should have and although completely sober and ran into so many people I grew up with, when I got home Ben was still so furious with me, and I didn't do anything wrong! I just have NO time for myself, I am a mom 24/7 without pay, without breaks, without vacations, I am spent. I have no help, my house no matter how much I clean winds up completely destroyed by the time I climb into bed at night.

Ben has called me the B word, the C U Next Tuesday word, told me I don't deserve better then him and that I'm ungrateful. But honestly, I'm just tired, I'm tired of feeling like I'm a single mother raising her son alone with no money and trapped. While he goes fishing whenever he chooses, or squidding, or the fact he gets a break from reality while he's working a distraction from everything,

2015

Here we are. In 19 short days Carl will be 9 months old, I'm sorry I've forgotten to blog so much the past 6 months, Our computers died, and we just got new ones for Christmas.
Carl's first word was "Mama" :) Second "Dada", now it's getting into "Hi" He's crawling, pulling himself up, much better in the car, we've had to do little bouts of cio so that he would sleep better and in the car. He's sleeping in his own crib, he's strong and funny. I love him so ridiculously much! I just can't believe how fast it all is going, and I wish time would just stop for a while and slow down. Happy New Year, I'm really hoping 2015 will bring our little family joy and closer together.

10 weeks

10 weeks has gone by already since I had my little peanut. I thought I'd be able to blog a bit more but that requires two hands ha ha.

Anyways some accomplishments is Carl likes to talk to us, he loves the words "hi and hello" he also loves when we say "I love you" and have conversations with him!

He has started grasping a little bit if we put our hands near him, and today he finally noticed his little mobile on his swing and is watching it while I spin it.

I'm so in love with him, even if he wakes me up at 4 am, cries in the car, will only sleep in his crib for a couple hours then in my arms..its such a short time in the span of life and I am trying my best to treasure every moment.

He's whining at this moment so I better hold him, my sweet little bittle I love you Carl!!

Forever Changed

Well I haven't wanted to or been on the computer for the past 6 weeks. What it feels like to be off of facebook and social media! 

I thought it was about time to write out my birth story, it's been so chaotic and Ben and my life has changed so much since Carl Benjamin Johnson finally came into our lives!

In the weeks before having Carl I was only 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced. The week of my due date I came down with a horrible head cold to where I lost my voice, I begged my doctor for antibiotics and it lasted a little over a week!

April 21st, I went in for me to get induced at 7 am. after hours of contractions and no dilation or any improvements other then lots of pain from all the procedures they attempted to speed up dialating, after 36 hours I finally asked my doctor if I could go home. When we left the house we thought we'd be returning with a baby, lots of fear set in of the thought that I may have to have a c-section if he didn't come by that next Monday when my doctor scheduled our last attempt. Lots of tears that week wondering why my body rejected the induction and petocin, and lots of fear that I wouldn't be able to have my baby naturally and I would miss out on the birthing experience I wanted.

Day by day still no baby and finally the next Monday came, and it was time again to face another horrible experience that I dreaded. 

April 28th we woke up again, and headed back to the hospital at 7 am to begin the process again. Hour after hour passed and my body still wasn't responding, the nightmare from the week before was heavy on my mind. I remember laying on my side that night crying silently and begging God to allow me to have my baby naturally, that he promises us he will never give us anything we couldn't handle, and I knew without a doubt I mentally couldn't have handled a c section. 

Soon after I fell asleep, I woke up after midnight having to go to the bathroom and when I got back to my bed I felt a rush of fluid thinking my water broke. The nurse tested it and it wasn't but when I got into bed more came and we determined that it was my mucus plug! Very quickly after that I began contracting, by 3 am I was throwing up and shaking so badly and crying from how bad the contractions hurt! I don't know if the pain was more extreme from being induced but it hit me so fast, I just remember crying that my mom had to go through that pain to have me and it brought about a whole new perspective and respect that I have for my mom! I finally asked for the epidural and was able to go back to sleep. 

I woke up about 11 am and when my doctor checked me I was at 7 cm. My doctor said my body must have been so stressed out that all I really needed to do was relax this baby out, I can believe that, I was scared of tearing, I was scared of my life changing, I was scared it would hurt! I then went back to sleep again to wake up at 1 pm fully dilated and already labored down, the doctor said it was time to push. I pushed for 3 hours, all the while feeling pain in my right hip through the epidural, we had to up it three times but nothing was helping it so I had to keep going through it, (It was out of place) I remember at one point after throwing up,  I almost gave up just praying to God he would hurry up and come out! We saw after he was born he had a sore on the back of his head from being stuck on my pelvis!
Carl Benjamin Johnson was finally born at 4:06 pm April 29th, 2014. He weighed 9 lbs. 9 oz, big baby! 

Carl was absolutely perfect, despite the hard pregnancy, and even harder labor he is the most beautiful baby with the most beautiful smile, and cutest pouty face I've ever seen. It's been a long but short 6 weeks all at the same time, the nights have been the hardest, and being in the house most of the time too. My recovery was the worst for the first 4 weeks, I couldn't sit until 3 weeks, and its still going I get back pain among some other pain still but I know it all takes time to heal! I'm enjoying spending time with Ben and Carl while I can and while he's getting used to not being in the womb.

We haven't had any visitors besides our Parents yet, and when we went to my grandpa's funeral and he met my aunt's and uncles. Our doctor was very firm about waiting until he got his 2 month shots to expose him to the world, and with how fussy he's been having him get sick would be a horrible addition! All in time we want him to meet the rest of our family and friends!! And we really appreciate how patient everyone has been understanding that our lives have changed and we now sleep when baby sleeps-and are up when baby's up even if its from 2-5 am! (not my favorite time) our worlds revolve around this new little life!

Oh My Word

Has this been such an emotional week. I pretty much completely cut off everything, barely checking my phone, deactivated facebook about 3-4 weeks ago now, I've just been drained...and crying a ton.

Grandpa's passing was just too much, I had Saturday and Sunday to grieve, however Ben and I had talked about going in to try natural induction Monday so I kind of needed to set the grieving on hold to be strong to have baby...well we tried, nothing was working so they then tried IV petocin after 24 hours...and still nothing, it was so painful-I just felt horrible and was so frustrated I finally asked the doctor if she'd please let me go home and wait another week.

I'm thankful she did...I just got home and everything hit me at once, I cried and have cried every day since wondering why it wasn't working and what I'm supposed to expect this coming Monday when they try again...being checked in the most vulnerable part of your body over and over was so horrible. Then still getting texts about "when are you going to induce" sets me off again and just makes me cry because we have already tried. I can't believe how wonderful Ben has been encouraging me and just letting me cry and lay in bed, I could not ask for a better husband he is so absolutely perfect for me and understands as much as he can how hard of a time this has been.

We had to go back in yesterday (Friday) to get a stress test to make sure baby was getting all the oxygen he needed (apparently the placenta has an expiration date and could cut off for the baby...) The nurse we ended up getting was absolutely horrible, she was a textbook nurse-had her knowledge down, but had absolutely no filter. She started talking about the cord maybe wrapped or him holding his cord and other babys that made themselves pass out in the womb etc etc nothing that I wanted to hear and was holding in a panic attack since she came in saying your baby isn't responding how I'd like him too I may send to you to get more testing...it was beginning to look like a nightmare. She finally left the room again and I was so upset I just turned on worship music and instantly baby woke up and began moving like he needed to plus some. She needed two 20 second intervals of movement from him within 20 minutes, we had already gone 20 minutes with only 1 reaction, after I turned on the worship we were getting a full minute of heart rate raised like numerous times within that 20 min period, so she came back in saying oh wow he was only asleep! (Well thanks lady for scaring us to death when it was so unnecessary) Anyways vent over another stress we didn't need.

I know people who are excited about the baby to come have maybe taken it personally that I've reclused, but there isn't anything I can say to anyone right now other then I'm waiting myself too and it's been the hardest on me. I'm learning that this is my baby and I'm focused on getting him out and not on others feelings who are trying to make my birth about them. I've learned so much from being pregnant, one being to stick up for myself and the other to actually take time for myself. It's so hard when I grew up people pleasing to avoid conflict...but I'm grown now-and I'm not living my life to make other people happy...I need to be living my life to make myself and my husband and soon baby happy... It took so much just to realize that small feat.

I'm so thankful for counseling I've been in with Ben for the past 10 months it's helped us and myself tremendously. I'm thankful I thought to delete facebook so that I wasn't constantly complaining or venting on there for everyone to see, and I'm thankful for being assertive and asking the doctor to come home and recover and let my body recover from all the painful procedures before having to go through an induction again...Being pregnant has been the hardest time of my life, I would not change it-however that doesn't make it any less hard. I'm thankful to be married, and married to the right man, I'm thankful to be creating a life, something many can not do, however it is-and has been-tough.

The clock is ticking down, and time is almost done, I can't wait to meet this little life I've created and have some happiness aside from all the trials.