Lord,
Where are you? I am so lost. I've made so many mistakes, and I am hurting. God, I'm scared.. how will I survive this life on my own and with a child? I've been so unhappy for so long, and so dysfunctional and I finally know why. All of the turmoil Ben has in his heart has tried to grasp onto mine. His sex and porn addiction, his Adderoll addiction, his alcoholism, his control, his manipulation, his narcissistic personality. These have all tried to reach onto me and wrap their tentacles around me. I saw your vision of Ben free! So Lord how will this happen? Things are the biggest mess I have ever seen, the craziness. The dysfunction, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation. It is too much for me, I can not bear all of this on my shoulders anymore. Lord I am broken.
I. NEED. YOU.
My heart is lost, it's broken it's insecure, it's twisted and tormented. It wants to be alone and isolated. It wants to run far far away to escape this whole ordeal. God I need you to lead me, and hold me in your arms, I need your grace and your mercy on my life, and Lord, I need it on my husbands life. He is SO lost, and he is so blind!!! I am so angry I am in this battle that isn't against flesh and blood, it's spiritual and right now, Ben is allowing Satan to win. I, I WILL NOT. SATAN CAN NOT HAVE ME OR MY FAMILY. I WILL fight. Lord, I need your help, I need Jesus to argue on my behalf with His blood. Please, God I pray you will set us all free from this chaos. I pray Lord for freedom! I pray for deliverance! God I beg you, take my family back, give Ben one piece of freedom per day. Open his eyes MORE and MORE every single day!!
The lying, the addiction, the pain, hurt, name calling, breaking things, depression, enabling, chaos, revenge, new facebook profiles, and adding ex's or new women to his pages. These things I give you Lord, help me forgive my husband, I am broken. I am hurting, I can't do this without You Lord, and Your strength. I ask God for your freedom. I Pray, No, I BEG, God change myself and Ben, make us new. Renew our minds. Help us. I don't want to divorce Lord, I want a happy life, I want a healthy free husband. I want to have a mama and dada for Carl.
Right now, I have to protect my son, It kills me to have to get a harassment order on Ben, I cried most of last night-it absolutely breaks my heart. God I need you to be my husband when my husband can not be..I need you to love me, and cherish me, protect me, grow me, lead me, point me in Your direction and to the people I need to be in fellowship with. That you God for my life, my health, my son, thank you God for Ben. As broken and sick as he is, thank you for the person he is and for who he can be. Thank you for freedom in my life and for the ability to be transparent, to see my sin and move on from it. Thank you for the ability to overcome strongholds in my life, and for Jesus giving me the freedom in my heart to do the hard but necessary things. God I appreciate and thank you for the strength to put Ben in Your hands, and to be strong enough to file a protection order to stop the fighting. Thank you for giving me the strength to do the hardest things I've ever done.
I love you Lord, I will continue to trust YOU and not others, others are telling me to get divorced, but until YOU tell me, and confirm releasing me I will continue to fight for my marriage and for Ben's freedom. I will pray for him, I will raise my son to be a strong man of God who loves you with all of his heart and who will be protected from pornography and the evil of this world the best I can. Lord you are my Savior, Spirit lead me to where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters where ever you would call me, take me deeper then my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger, in the presence of my savior.
I've been isolated, I've been living in my own delusion praying and hoping it would get better, but blind to seeing how sick we've been. Lord I don't want to live life that way anymore. I want to be FREE. I want to have a healthy life, A husband who will be free with me and lead me. God, I want to be held and loved. I want to be Cherished on earth the way I know you will cherish me in Heaven. I want to me honored and respected, I want a partner. I can not mother my husband anymore. I give that to you God and ask you to make me the person YOU created me to be. I ask you to please FULFILL YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE. Whatever that may be.
Lord help me no longer enable bad behavior. Help me stand up for what is right, just, loving, kind, patient. Give me self control. Please Give Ben self control. Give me your heart Lord, Help me see Ben and love him as You see and love him.
With all of my heart,
Your wife,
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