10 weeks has gone by already since I had my little peanut. I thought I'd be able to blog a bit more but that requires two hands ha ha.
Anyways some accomplishments is Carl likes to talk to us, he loves the words "hi and hello" he also loves when we say "I love you" and have conversations with him!
He has started grasping a little bit if we put our hands near him, and today he finally noticed his little mobile on his swing and is watching it while I spin it.
I'm so in love with him, even if he wakes me up at 4 am, cries in the car, will only sleep in his crib for a couple hours then in my arms..its such a short time in the span of life and I am trying my best to treasure every moment.
He's whining at this moment so I better hold him, my sweet little bittle I love you Carl!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Forever Changed
Well I haven't wanted to or been on the computer for the past 6 weeks. What it feels like to be off of facebook and social media!
I thought it was about time to write out my birth story, it's been so chaotic and Ben and my life has changed so much since Carl Benjamin Johnson finally came into our lives!
In the weeks before having Carl I was only 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced. The week of my due date I came down with a horrible head cold to where I lost my voice, I begged my doctor for antibiotics and it lasted a little over a week!
April 21st, I went in for me to get induced at 7 am. after hours of contractions and no dilation or any improvements other then lots of pain from all the procedures they attempted to speed up dialating, after 36 hours I finally asked my doctor if I could go home. When we left the house we thought we'd be returning with a baby, lots of fear set in of the thought that I may have to have a c-section if he didn't come by that next Monday when my doctor scheduled our last attempt. Lots of tears that week wondering why my body rejected the induction and petocin, and lots of fear that I wouldn't be able to have my baby naturally and I would miss out on the birthing experience I wanted.
Day by day still no baby and finally the next Monday came, and it was time again to face another horrible experience that I dreaded.
April 28th we woke up again, and headed back to the hospital at 7 am to begin the process again. Hour after hour passed and my body still wasn't responding, the nightmare from the week before was heavy on my mind. I remember laying on my side that night crying silently and begging God to allow me to have my baby naturally, that he promises us he will never give us anything we couldn't handle, and I knew without a doubt I mentally couldn't have handled a c section.
Soon after I fell asleep, I woke up after midnight having to go to the bathroom and when I got back to my bed I felt a rush of fluid thinking my water broke. The nurse tested it and it wasn't but when I got into bed more came and we determined that it was my mucus plug! Very quickly after that I began contracting, by 3 am I was throwing up and shaking so badly and crying from how bad the contractions hurt! I don't know if the pain was more extreme from being induced but it hit me so fast, I just remember crying that my mom had to go through that pain to have me and it brought about a whole new perspective and respect that I have for my mom! I finally asked for the epidural and was able to go back to sleep.
I woke up about 11 am and when my doctor checked me I was at 7 cm. My doctor said my body must have been so stressed out that all I really needed to do was relax this baby out, I can believe that, I was scared of tearing, I was scared of my life changing, I was scared it would hurt! I then went back to sleep again to wake up at 1 pm fully dilated and already labored down, the doctor said it was time to push. I pushed for 3 hours, all the while feeling pain in my right hip through the epidural, we had to up it three times but nothing was helping it so I had to keep going through it, (It was out of place) I remember at one point after throwing up, I almost gave up just praying to God he would hurry up and come out! We saw after he was born he had a sore on the back of his head from being stuck on my pelvis!
Carl Benjamin Johnson was finally born at 4:06 pm April 29th, 2014. He weighed 9 lbs. 9 oz, big baby!
Carl Benjamin Johnson was finally born at 4:06 pm April 29th, 2014. He weighed 9 lbs. 9 oz, big baby!
Carl was absolutely perfect, despite the hard pregnancy, and even harder labor he is the most beautiful baby with the most beautiful smile, and cutest pouty face I've ever seen. It's been a long but short 6 weeks all at the same time, the nights have been the hardest, and being in the house most of the time too. My recovery was the worst for the first 4 weeks, I couldn't sit until 3 weeks, and its still going I get back pain among some other pain still but I know it all takes time to heal! I'm enjoying spending time with Ben and Carl while I can and while he's getting used to not being in the womb.
We haven't had any visitors besides our Parents yet, and when we went to my grandpa's funeral and he met my aunt's and uncles. Our doctor was very firm about waiting until he got his 2 month shots to expose him to the world, and with how fussy he's been having him get sick would be a horrible addition! All in time we want him to meet the rest of our family and friends!! And we really appreciate how patient everyone has been understanding that our lives have changed and we now sleep when baby sleeps-and are up when baby's up even if its from 2-5 am! (not my favorite time) our worlds revolve around this new little life!
We haven't had any visitors besides our Parents yet, and when we went to my grandpa's funeral and he met my aunt's and uncles. Our doctor was very firm about waiting until he got his 2 month shots to expose him to the world, and with how fussy he's been having him get sick would be a horrible addition! All in time we want him to meet the rest of our family and friends!! And we really appreciate how patient everyone has been understanding that our lives have changed and we now sleep when baby sleeps-and are up when baby's up even if its from 2-5 am! (not my favorite time) our worlds revolve around this new little life!
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Oh My Word
Has this been such an emotional week. I pretty much completely cut off everything, barely checking my phone, deactivated facebook about 3-4 weeks ago now, I've just been drained...and crying a ton.
Grandpa's passing was just too much, I had Saturday and Sunday to grieve, however Ben and I had talked about going in to try natural induction Monday so I kind of needed to set the grieving on hold to be strong to have baby...well we tried, nothing was working so they then tried IV petocin after 24 hours...and still nothing, it was so painful-I just felt horrible and was so frustrated I finally asked the doctor if she'd please let me go home and wait another week.
I'm thankful she did...I just got home and everything hit me at once, I cried and have cried every day since wondering why it wasn't working and what I'm supposed to expect this coming Monday when they try again...being checked in the most vulnerable part of your body over and over was so horrible. Then still getting texts about "when are you going to induce" sets me off again and just makes me cry because we have already tried. I can't believe how wonderful Ben has been encouraging me and just letting me cry and lay in bed, I could not ask for a better husband he is so absolutely perfect for me and understands as much as he can how hard of a time this has been.
We had to go back in yesterday (Friday) to get a stress test to make sure baby was getting all the oxygen he needed (apparently the placenta has an expiration date and could cut off for the baby...) The nurse we ended up getting was absolutely horrible, she was a textbook nurse-had her knowledge down, but had absolutely no filter. She started talking about the cord maybe wrapped or him holding his cord and other babys that made themselves pass out in the womb etc etc nothing that I wanted to hear and was holding in a panic attack since she came in saying your baby isn't responding how I'd like him too I may send to you to get more testing...it was beginning to look like a nightmare. She finally left the room again and I was so upset I just turned on worship music and instantly baby woke up and began moving like he needed to plus some. She needed two 20 second intervals of movement from him within 20 minutes, we had already gone 20 minutes with only 1 reaction, after I turned on the worship we were getting a full minute of heart rate raised like numerous times within that 20 min period, so she came back in saying oh wow he was only asleep! (Well thanks lady for scaring us to death when it was so unnecessary) Anyways vent over another stress we didn't need.
I know people who are excited about the baby to come have maybe taken it personally that I've reclused, but there isn't anything I can say to anyone right now other then I'm waiting myself too and it's been the hardest on me. I'm learning that this is my baby and I'm focused on getting him out and not on others feelings who are trying to make my birth about them. I've learned so much from being pregnant, one being to stick up for myself and the other to actually take time for myself. It's so hard when I grew up people pleasing to avoid conflict...but I'm grown now-and I'm not living my life to make other people happy...I need to be living my life to make myself and my husband and soon baby happy... It took so much just to realize that small feat.
I'm so thankful for counseling I've been in with Ben for the past 10 months it's helped us and myself tremendously. I'm thankful I thought to delete facebook so that I wasn't constantly complaining or venting on there for everyone to see, and I'm thankful for being assertive and asking the doctor to come home and recover and let my body recover from all the painful procedures before having to go through an induction again...Being pregnant has been the hardest time of my life, I would not change it-however that doesn't make it any less hard. I'm thankful to be married, and married to the right man, I'm thankful to be creating a life, something many can not do, however it is-and has been-tough.
The clock is ticking down, and time is almost done, I can't wait to meet this little life I've created and have some happiness aside from all the trials.
Grandpa's passing was just too much, I had Saturday and Sunday to grieve, however Ben and I had talked about going in to try natural induction Monday so I kind of needed to set the grieving on hold to be strong to have baby...well we tried, nothing was working so they then tried IV petocin after 24 hours...and still nothing, it was so painful-I just felt horrible and was so frustrated I finally asked the doctor if she'd please let me go home and wait another week.
I'm thankful she did...I just got home and everything hit me at once, I cried and have cried every day since wondering why it wasn't working and what I'm supposed to expect this coming Monday when they try again...being checked in the most vulnerable part of your body over and over was so horrible. Then still getting texts about "when are you going to induce" sets me off again and just makes me cry because we have already tried. I can't believe how wonderful Ben has been encouraging me and just letting me cry and lay in bed, I could not ask for a better husband he is so absolutely perfect for me and understands as much as he can how hard of a time this has been.
We had to go back in yesterday (Friday) to get a stress test to make sure baby was getting all the oxygen he needed (apparently the placenta has an expiration date and could cut off for the baby...) The nurse we ended up getting was absolutely horrible, she was a textbook nurse-had her knowledge down, but had absolutely no filter. She started talking about the cord maybe wrapped or him holding his cord and other babys that made themselves pass out in the womb etc etc nothing that I wanted to hear and was holding in a panic attack since she came in saying your baby isn't responding how I'd like him too I may send to you to get more testing...it was beginning to look like a nightmare. She finally left the room again and I was so upset I just turned on worship music and instantly baby woke up and began moving like he needed to plus some. She needed two 20 second intervals of movement from him within 20 minutes, we had already gone 20 minutes with only 1 reaction, after I turned on the worship we were getting a full minute of heart rate raised like numerous times within that 20 min period, so she came back in saying oh wow he was only asleep! (Well thanks lady for scaring us to death when it was so unnecessary) Anyways vent over another stress we didn't need.
I know people who are excited about the baby to come have maybe taken it personally that I've reclused, but there isn't anything I can say to anyone right now other then I'm waiting myself too and it's been the hardest on me. I'm learning that this is my baby and I'm focused on getting him out and not on others feelings who are trying to make my birth about them. I've learned so much from being pregnant, one being to stick up for myself and the other to actually take time for myself. It's so hard when I grew up people pleasing to avoid conflict...but I'm grown now-and I'm not living my life to make other people happy...I need to be living my life to make myself and my husband and soon baby happy... It took so much just to realize that small feat.
I'm so thankful for counseling I've been in with Ben for the past 10 months it's helped us and myself tremendously. I'm thankful I thought to delete facebook so that I wasn't constantly complaining or venting on there for everyone to see, and I'm thankful for being assertive and asking the doctor to come home and recover and let my body recover from all the painful procedures before having to go through an induction again...Being pregnant has been the hardest time of my life, I would not change it-however that doesn't make it any less hard. I'm thankful to be married, and married to the right man, I'm thankful to be creating a life, something many can not do, however it is-and has been-tough.
The clock is ticking down, and time is almost done, I can't wait to meet this little life I've created and have some happiness aside from all the trials.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Easter
Wow. Where do I begin? I'll start with last Sunday (40 weeks) I suddenly came down with a virus which I can only think was a sinus infection or something similar. Weird since I hadn't been sick in over 2 years, My throat was all swollen and sinus's and ears hurt. Thankful that my mom told me to call the doctor for Zpac (antibiotic) and it has been helping me get over this so much faster.
Which brings me to today...I missed a call from my cousin which was a little out of the ordinary.. but I was texting with my dad and asked him how my grandpa was doing since I knew he'd been in the hospital earlier this week. My dad didn't know the news but after we got off a phone call I called my cousin back and she let me know that my grandpa (my dads dad) had passed away today. I told her my dad didn't know but as we were talking my uncle Pat was calling him and giving him the news. My dad called me back with a soft voice as I'm already bawling my eyes out, and then he began crying. This was a crazy emotional day..
I realized so much today, that my grandpa was one of the sweetest and strongest men I have ever known. He always had a smile on his face and a drink with dinner, was a devote Catholic and loved all 6 of his kids through thick and thin no matter what he was always there for them. I love my grandpa so much and I only wish I had spent more time with him.
It really made me think of how I have acquired some bad habits as I've grown up, quick to judge or not being as close to family as I wanted too. I need to cut people slack in my life and not hold such high standards and when people hurt me or disappoint me I need to learn to be more assertive with how I feel but also not take it so emotionally and personally but that family is family and life is too short to stay bitter or angry.
Next topic is the baby is overdue, he was due 4.14.14 (last Monday) and today is the 19th, tomorrow is Easter. We're praying he comes quickly, otherwise we have a schedule to be induced for Monday-which is not what we want!
My dad told me something comforting about there being an old Irish saying that an older family member has to pass in order to let a new life in, and he said grandpa was making room for Carl to come into the world, so now I have my angels my Grandpa and Grandma Cox in Heaven looking down on me and my labor and delivery. I would have loved to have my grandpa meet him and had planned for that this summer, but I know he will know him one day.
It's been a tough week, with death is coming a new life, with sorrow there is joy and it's crazy it's right before Easter with the same meaning, Jesus dying and then resurrecting...sorrow and joy, all in one weekend...But God has a plan, and I can't wait to tell baby Carl Benjamin how wonderful his great grandpa was, how happy and his Irish accent...so many good things to tell him.
Which brings me to today...I missed a call from my cousin which was a little out of the ordinary.. but I was texting with my dad and asked him how my grandpa was doing since I knew he'd been in the hospital earlier this week. My dad didn't know the news but after we got off a phone call I called my cousin back and she let me know that my grandpa (my dads dad) had passed away today. I told her my dad didn't know but as we were talking my uncle Pat was calling him and giving him the news. My dad called me back with a soft voice as I'm already bawling my eyes out, and then he began crying. This was a crazy emotional day..
I realized so much today, that my grandpa was one of the sweetest and strongest men I have ever known. He always had a smile on his face and a drink with dinner, was a devote Catholic and loved all 6 of his kids through thick and thin no matter what he was always there for them. I love my grandpa so much and I only wish I had spent more time with him.
It really made me think of how I have acquired some bad habits as I've grown up, quick to judge or not being as close to family as I wanted too. I need to cut people slack in my life and not hold such high standards and when people hurt me or disappoint me I need to learn to be more assertive with how I feel but also not take it so emotionally and personally but that family is family and life is too short to stay bitter or angry.
Next topic is the baby is overdue, he was due 4.14.14 (last Monday) and today is the 19th, tomorrow is Easter. We're praying he comes quickly, otherwise we have a schedule to be induced for Monday-which is not what we want!
My dad told me something comforting about there being an old Irish saying that an older family member has to pass in order to let a new life in, and he said grandpa was making room for Carl to come into the world, so now I have my angels my Grandpa and Grandma Cox in Heaven looking down on me and my labor and delivery. I would have loved to have my grandpa meet him and had planned for that this summer, but I know he will know him one day.
It's been a tough week, with death is coming a new life, with sorrow there is joy and it's crazy it's right before Easter with the same meaning, Jesus dying and then resurrecting...sorrow and joy, all in one weekend...But God has a plan, and I can't wait to tell baby Carl Benjamin how wonderful his great grandpa was, how happy and his Irish accent...so many good things to tell him.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Time Flies
Boy has time flown by! I'm now 39 weeks 3 days, little kicker can come at anytime and we are ready for him. We had to go in April 7th 2014 (Monday) because I was having severe back pain they think was linked to a fall skating last year, and small contractions so early labor...but he's still in there all comfy and warm I guess. Yesterday Ben got me Arnica and a yoga ball for the back pain and today I woke up able to walk, still with pain. I can't believe how consistent the back agony has been, but I know it'll be so worth it! I just can't wait to meet our little man now any day!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
March 4th
Well now, so many things to catch up on!
Sunday March 2nd we had a little false alarm with little mister. I wasn't sure if my water was leaking (broke-slow leak) and so we had had to pack a couple of bags for in case he was coming and head down to Northwest's child birth center! When we got there they hooked me up to the heart monitor to monitor baby's heart beat, and then did an exam to see if my water was leaking. The nurse explained since I'm only 34 weeks that if he did come he'd most likely have to stay in the nursery until he was healthy enough to come home with us. I felt so nervous-I was super nauseous that he maybe coming this early out of the blue ha ha I'm hoping he can stay in until we can at least have our baby shower and bath supplies for him! ha ha.
Today we cleaned up the house spotless, or well mostly me because Ben finally got the email from the job he applied for back in August 2013. He has an interview on the 18th of March so prayers for him that if this is the job he is supposed to have then all things will fall into place. We are so excited, and I am so proud of him. This is a job he's already done the physical for so it's all interviews and then the job if they like him.
My whole pregnancy I've been praying and having a feeling little one will be coming a little early, whether it's at 37 or 38 weeks. I'm sure hoping still he does! I can't wait to meet him, and see what he looks like...the fact I've created a little mini Ben and I, I'm just waiting in suspense!
That's all for now...God has been so good to us, it's all in His timing.
Sunday March 2nd we had a little false alarm with little mister. I wasn't sure if my water was leaking (broke-slow leak) and so we had had to pack a couple of bags for in case he was coming and head down to Northwest's child birth center! When we got there they hooked me up to the heart monitor to monitor baby's heart beat, and then did an exam to see if my water was leaking. The nurse explained since I'm only 34 weeks that if he did come he'd most likely have to stay in the nursery until he was healthy enough to come home with us. I felt so nervous-I was super nauseous that he maybe coming this early out of the blue ha ha I'm hoping he can stay in until we can at least have our baby shower and bath supplies for him! ha ha.
Today we cleaned up the house spotless, or well mostly me because Ben finally got the email from the job he applied for back in August 2013. He has an interview on the 18th of March so prayers for him that if this is the job he is supposed to have then all things will fall into place. We are so excited, and I am so proud of him. This is a job he's already done the physical for so it's all interviews and then the job if they like him.
My whole pregnancy I've been praying and having a feeling little one will be coming a little early, whether it's at 37 or 38 weeks. I'm sure hoping still he does! I can't wait to meet him, and see what he looks like...the fact I've created a little mini Ben and I, I'm just waiting in suspense!
That's all for now...God has been so good to us, it's all in His timing.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Hiccups
I thought I would have skipped today's blog, but at about 10:50 pm tonight (five minutes ago) I finally felt our baby hiccup for the very first time in my tummy!!!!
I read that when you feel a baby hiccup in your tummy that means their lungs are clearing out the amniotic fluid and are getting ready for delivery! We're 31 weeks and 3 days today. I'm praying that he comes between 37-38 weeks. We are so excited!
I read that when you feel a baby hiccup in your tummy that means their lungs are clearing out the amniotic fluid and are getting ready for delivery! We're 31 weeks and 3 days today. I'm praying that he comes between 37-38 weeks. We are so excited!
Lord I'm amazed.
By how you love me.
I guess I could get used to blogging out my feelings every day.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions.
Today I got to meet my friend Chelsy's little newborn Ellie.
Seeing her gave me so much joy to meet my own little son I can barely contain myself now!
Then later this evening I wasn't feeling well and started crying, where Ben just hugs me...
to now listening to more and more worship, laying in bed and feeling baby kick and push and dance in my tummy.
I'm amazed Lord, that I would have a baby who loves worshiping you in my womb already.
That he gets so much more active when I listen to worship then anything else, I've been praying over him so much lately, that he would love you with all his heart and know you the way Ben and I do.
Keep kicking me babe, even though it hurts sometimes haha I love you so much little one I can't wait to meet you!
I guess I could get used to blogging out my feelings every day.
Today has been a whirlwind of emotions.
Today I got to meet my friend Chelsy's little newborn Ellie.
Seeing her gave me so much joy to meet my own little son I can barely contain myself now!
Then later this evening I wasn't feeling well and started crying, where Ben just hugs me...
to now listening to more and more worship, laying in bed and feeling baby kick and push and dance in my tummy.
I'm amazed Lord, that I would have a baby who loves worshiping you in my womb already.
That he gets so much more active when I listen to worship then anything else, I've been praying over him so much lately, that he would love you with all his heart and know you the way Ben and I do.
Keep kicking me babe, even though it hurts sometimes haha I love you so much little one I can't wait to meet you!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
He loves the sound of music.
I remember every ultra sound so clearly, from the very first one where he looked like a kidney bean at 7 weeks, to the 12 week one where I first saw a baby...little arms and legs dancing and jumping around in my tummy, that was when it was real for me and I began crying. I couldn't believe I was creating this baby, that looked so happy in my tummy!
From the beginning, well ever since I started ever thinking about kids (one day) I always had wanted to have a boy first. I of course would be happy with a girl too (her name would have been Ava :) but I was hoping for a boy first, I had a dream early on in pregnancy that I had a son, and knew it was a boy, when we found out he was for sure a boy we were both so excited!!
I remember the first time I could feel the baby move strong enough to tell Ben to try and feel, and how we were sitting on our bed and he was feeling, and when he felt him for the first time how happy it made him. Even though I feel inside my tummy a lot, I still every time tell him to hurry and come feel, he gets this huge smile on his face and I can see how happy it makes him! I think he's felt him on my tummy more time then I have because I just pay attention to feeling him on the inside, but earlier this week he said I think I feel his hand or something poking out! So he told me to put my hand in this spot and sure enough, a hand, or an elbow ha ha something strong and hard! It was so amazing feeling!
Anyways baby LOVES music! Just like his momma! I've noticed he kicks more to Kim Walker and worship music, Ben played Beethoven once and he kicked a bunch (but I couldn't stand it haha) I love that he loves worship, when we were living at my grandmas I would take baths and put on worship loud and sing to him, it was so relaxing.
I love you baby, I can't wait to meet you in 63 days or less :)
From the beginning, well ever since I started ever thinking about kids (one day) I always had wanted to have a boy first. I of course would be happy with a girl too (her name would have been Ava :) but I was hoping for a boy first, I had a dream early on in pregnancy that I had a son, and knew it was a boy, when we found out he was for sure a boy we were both so excited!!
I remember the first time I could feel the baby move strong enough to tell Ben to try and feel, and how we were sitting on our bed and he was feeling, and when he felt him for the first time how happy it made him. Even though I feel inside my tummy a lot, I still every time tell him to hurry and come feel, he gets this huge smile on his face and I can see how happy it makes him! I think he's felt him on my tummy more time then I have because I just pay attention to feeling him on the inside, but earlier this week he said I think I feel his hand or something poking out! So he told me to put my hand in this spot and sure enough, a hand, or an elbow ha ha something strong and hard! It was so amazing feeling!
Anyways baby LOVES music! Just like his momma! I've noticed he kicks more to Kim Walker and worship music, Ben played Beethoven once and he kicked a bunch (but I couldn't stand it haha) I love that he loves worship, when we were living at my grandmas I would take baths and put on worship loud and sing to him, it was so relaxing.
I love you baby, I can't wait to meet you in 63 days or less :)
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