The Middle Of The Storm.

My story is hard for me to share to anyone who hasn't gone through it with me or witnessed the behavior I went through. On June 17th 2011 I met a man who would become the father to my son and my husband, the first 2 and a half years of our relationship were rocky and being out of it now I know I should have severed the relationship at numerous opportunities. I will not deny that there were fun times, we contributed on missions trips, and small skate trips around the Washington peninsula. He was an incredible help while I was pregnant, it was just me and him locked either in my room or the hospital 90% of my pregnancy due to me having Hyperemesis Gravidarum, being continuously sick or getting IV's twice a week at the hospital. I will always appreciate how he took care of me during my pregnancy. However seeing it from the outside now there were signs of control and manipulation and then it became an unhealthy isolation that only became worse once our son was born, which is what began a bigger change to our relationship.

In March of 2015 my husband began an addiction to ADHD medication called Adderall, he lost almost 40 lbs in a few short months and his anger outbursts made me his verbal and emotional punching bag. Being called terrible names and slandering me in front of our then just over 1 year old son, throwing phones behind me and breaking them. In September 2015 my husband left, he emptied out our already small bank account and left me with my son and no money. A week later after living in his truck and having a mental breakdown which lead him to taking a un-prescribed anti anxiety medication and he wound up in the hospital with thoughts of suicide and self harm he decided he wanted to come back home and try to get sober but because of how erratic and unpredictable his anger outbursts were on the medication I told him he could not return until he did get sober from Adderall and would go to counseling.

During this time he would constantly be fighting with me, he would be accusing me of being unfaithful which was a projection of his own struggles and behavior and in front of our innocent son, by calling me derogatory names. At one point I had to lock myself in my sons room sitting against the door because he broke the lock while trying to come in all the while he yelled at me over the baby monitor what a "Fing whore, c.u.n.t, b*tch, etc I was" and it broke my heart that no matter how I tried to cover my sons ears knowing my husband was so un-phased how abusive that is to do to a baby and how that is child abuse will forever be a terrible memory in my mind. Over those few months he broke a couple phones, one by putting a hole in our closet door, and intentionally pushing my buttons to trigger me from past abuse and get a rise out of me. I had tried to file a restraining order during this time but after it was granted he begged me not to do it out of fear of not being able to see our son, and I always have wanted him to have a relationship with our son so I chose to drop the case, which I wish I wouldn't have now since things have not changed much, and that could have maybe forced him to get the help he needed. During this time his family was very supportive of my decisions since they all had witnessed his behavior and changes in that time as well.

At the end of November he had told me he had been off of Adderall for over a month and was finally willing to try counseling, at our first counseling appointment she asked if we were living together and because I said no and explained a bit of the situation she recommended that he move back home if we were really going to work things out. I will forever regret listening to that advice because as some don't know the effects of stimulate withdrawal can last for a few months and the anger outbursts can be just as bad or worse. I never had wanted to get divorced, I wanted to push through and being a Christian I hoped that he could change and be set free from the addictions. I wanted to give it every shot that I could personally handle to try and help him change, but have learned while dealing with someone who lies and hides their addictions if they are unwilling to be open and honest there can not be growth or change and it has nothing to do with me.

January 1st 2016 we had an argument because I had caught him in a lie the night before and was still upset, he was holding our son and because our son accidentally threw his head back and hit Ben's chin he turned and punched a hole in our bedroom wall. It scared me that he could be that angry while holding our 20 month old son. There was continuous empty promises and lying, then with withdrawal, continuous arguments which lead to him calling me names or throwing things while our son was present.

Through out this year of changes I had reached out to my dad, a few women in my mom's group on Facebook, and my husbands family to seek about what I should do. I thought because he hadn't been too physical with me that I had no reason to not try and make it work and just had to endure being treated as if I was worthless to the addictions that consumed his life. All encouraged me to do what was best for my son and I so that my son wasn't growing up witnessing this behavior then modeling it himself which really woke me up and mortified me to think about. I began counseling for emotional abuse in April of 2016 and over the weekly course of 3 months was helped out of the fog I was living in and seeing the situation I was in. My counselor helped me see how I was being continuously damaged and emotionally broke down and helped me realize how unhealthy it was that I was in a marriage that was one sided. That I could not change him especially if there were mental health issues that are genetically involved.

June 13th 2016 4 days before our 5 year anniversary I caught my husband in a lie that he had been genuinely looking me in the eyes and convincing me to believe and trust him for 5 months. I was absolutely devastated, sick to my stomach and heartbroken. It was after a little over a year of prayer asking God for a bold way out of my marriage. I received the slap in the face for myself that our marriage would always be filled with lies, unhealthy, controlling and manipulated. That day I had him move out, while cleaning I found a bottle of Brandy behind our mattress which would explain his mood swings and sleeping in until almost 2 pm daily. He wound up moving to California for almost 2 months with a friend, I continued to watch our joint bank account and saw he continued drinking and buying liquor while he was down there. August 12th he drove back to Seattle and since I'd been out with a few close friends for the Taste of Edmonds, I'd just gotten home, (he had been known to sleep in his truck across the street from the house and had been sitting there watching it.) I had left the front door unlocked waiting for one of my best friends to get back when Ben threw open the door open and immediately began yelling and swearing at me while my son was sleeping soundly in the next room. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my other friend eating pizza all the while Ben was calling me names in front of him. He was scared for my safety and later wrote a statement for me to have on file.

September 9th I was supervising Ben with our son at the park with my best friend Becca and her 1 year old daughter, we had been patient for 2 hours while Ben and our son played and when I told him we had lunch plans and needed to go he became hostile. He started trying to argue over our son while he was buckling him into his car seat and leaning in the car not allowing me to leave. I inched backwards with my foot only off the brakes when he began calling me psycho and possessed by demons. I got out of the car reached in front of him to close the door and then drove away where he then called the police on me and accused me of trying to run him over with my car, thankfully my best friend witnessed the whole thing and also was able to write a statement on my behalf for court. I knew that now he was comfortable not only emotionally and verbally abusing me in the walls of our home at first but to public places at the park and how much longer before it continues to escalate more? I tried to file and anti harassment order and missed numerous days of school that quarter trying to get protection for myself only to be denied because the court system doesn't want multiple cases open and want you to just add anti harassment orders to the divorce papers instead of having multiple cases open. I have finally began healing and reaching out more for support and advice for what to do next as a single mom to a 2 and a half year old and full time college student, however my first hurdle to try and crawl out of is ending this divorce and being able to protect myself and my son from further abuse.

Since then he's been harassing me continuously via social media, endlessly texting me multiple times a day, then if I don't reply calls over and over or has threatened to just show up to my house, slandering me and claiming I am withholding our son from him (which is not true, there is no parenting plan in place so I am legally not withholding our son, as well as he's had multiple supervised visitations 2-4 days a week with myself or mother since September and it was not until my son became really sick last Friday with the flu that he has not had visitation) and that he is a victim of parent alienation. He has failed to take responsibility for his actions and how the ending of our marriage is due to his multiple addictions and the way he treated me in front of our innocent son, when I tried for years to trust him despite continuous lying. He is still trying to have a hold over my life and control me although we have been separated almost 7 months now.

This is a glimpse overview of what I went through, these are only a few of the scenarios that we went through, it's hard not to believe how someone makes you feel, and I still struggle with my self esteem and he still causes me to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. You are able to continue reading my blog to see only a couple other posts of my prayer for him to be set free of things and my outlet for venting on this since I had this as my private blog through the birth of our son as well.