Has this been such an emotional week. I pretty much completely cut off everything, barely checking my phone, deactivated facebook about 3-4 weeks ago now, I've just been drained...and crying a ton.
Grandpa's passing was just too much, I had Saturday and Sunday to grieve, however Ben and I had talked about going in to try natural induction Monday so I kind of needed to set the grieving on hold to be strong to have baby...well we tried, nothing was working so they then tried IV petocin after 24 hours...and still nothing, it was so painful-I just felt horrible and was so frustrated I finally asked the doctor if she'd please let me go home and wait another week.
I'm thankful she did...I just got home and everything hit me at once, I cried and have cried every day since wondering why it wasn't working and what I'm supposed to expect this coming Monday when they try again...being checked in the most vulnerable part of your body over and over was so horrible. Then still getting texts about "when are you going to induce" sets me off again and just makes me cry because we have already tried. I can't believe how wonderful Ben has been encouraging me and just letting me cry and lay in bed, I could not ask for a better husband he is so absolutely perfect for me and understands as much as he can how hard of a time this has been.
We had to go back in yesterday (Friday) to get a stress test to make sure baby was getting all the oxygen he needed (apparently the placenta has an expiration date and could cut off for the baby...) The nurse we ended up getting was absolutely horrible, she was a textbook nurse-had her knowledge down, but had absolutely no filter. She started talking about the cord maybe wrapped or him holding his cord and other babys that made themselves pass out in the womb etc etc nothing that I wanted to hear and was holding in a panic attack since she came in saying your baby isn't responding how I'd like him too I may send to you to get more testing...it was beginning to look like a nightmare. She finally left the room again and I was so upset I just turned on worship music and instantly baby woke up and began moving like he needed to plus some. She needed two 20 second intervals of movement from him within 20 minutes, we had already gone 20 minutes with only 1 reaction, after I turned on the worship we were getting a full minute of heart rate raised like numerous times within that 20 min period, so she came back in saying oh wow he was only asleep! (Well thanks lady for scaring us to death when it was so unnecessary) Anyways vent over another stress we didn't need.
I know people who are excited about the baby to come have maybe taken it personally that I've reclused, but there isn't anything I can say to anyone right now other then I'm waiting myself too and it's been the hardest on me. I'm learning that this is my baby and I'm focused on getting him out and not on others feelings who are trying to make my birth about them. I've learned so much from being pregnant, one being to stick up for myself and the other to actually take time for myself. It's so hard when I grew up people pleasing to avoid conflict...but I'm grown now-and I'm not living my life to make other people happy...I need to be living my life to make myself and my husband and soon baby happy... It took so much just to realize that small feat.
I'm so thankful for counseling I've been in with Ben for the past 10 months it's helped us and myself tremendously. I'm thankful I thought to delete facebook so that I wasn't constantly complaining or venting on there for everyone to see, and I'm thankful for being assertive and asking the doctor to come home and recover and let my body recover from all the painful procedures before having to go through an induction again...Being pregnant has been the hardest time of my life, I would not change it-however that doesn't make it any less hard. I'm thankful to be married, and married to the right man, I'm thankful to be creating a life, something many can not do, however it is-and has been-tough.
The clock is ticking down, and time is almost done, I can't wait to meet this little life I've created and have some happiness aside from all the trials.
No comments:
Post a Comment